It’s been a month since I started my liquid diet. I’m beginning to see progress. My clothes fit much differently. I see it in my face, which is not quite so moon-shaped anymore (maybe merely a waning gibbous.) I see it in my chest and shoulders, where I’m starting to see the faint outline of what some mix of college anatomy and common sense tells me will be collarbones.
It’s interesting to watch my body change in this way. I feel like it’s becoming what it always should have been– like I’m somehow beginning to unearth a lost self that was buried decades ago in a tragic landslide of fat. At 31, I feel like almost like an archaeologist of my own body. I’m unearthing my own long-lost bones.
In the past 31 days, I’ve lost 66″ and 33 lbs. I’ve pushed myself to walk (perhaps too much, too fast). I’ve struggled to get down the prescribed amount of protein and water, and to take vitamins three times a day. I’m not particularly excited for food anymore, except for the fact that I won’t have to drink so many milky, saccharine protein shakes. If I didn’t fear losing my hair (and to a lesser extent, lean muscle mass– my priorities are in order) I would be happy to just drink water.
Yesterday, I woke up with a bit of a scratchy throat, and instead of heeding that warning, I pushed myself to enter my first Fitbit challenge. And to win. Then I pushed myself to make it past 20,000 steps, because that also seemed wise.
Today, I have a runny nose, and I feel a bit dehydrated, so I’m pushing even more fluids to knock this bug out. I still have most of my 10,000 steps left to go (I was really aiming for 15,000 but I’m– maybe– willing to be reasonable). I’m trying to strike the balance between pushing myself and allowing myself to heal. That balance has always seemed to elude me.
It probably doesn’t help that I stubbornly decided this would be the year for taking massive action to change my life and my body. I’m willing to put in the work, to commit, to sacrifice, to push myself beyond my limits.
To become a beauty, I have gone into beast mode.